Friday, August 21, 2015

Pines exec hurled fastball win as team was still lacing up


How must it feel to be standing in the cleats of the New Jersey Pinelands Commission's ace, rookie, relief pitcher Robert Barr. Denied? Relieved? Confused?

Barr got called up this year from the political minors when his team was in big trouble. 

Here's why,

Last season, team owner, Gov. Chris Christie, and General Manager Jeff Van Drew (the local state Senator) had promised big-time, corporate ticket-holder, South Jersey Gas, a pleasing outcome.

But the Pinelands Pipelayers saw their pennant hopes slip away when a bunch of local enviros fielded a Green Team that took the corporate squad into extra innings in the season's final game.

Looking decidedly Double-A alongside the Commission's Yankee pinstripes, the greenies nonetheless hung in with sterling defensive plays and support from screaming fans. As darkness descended, the game was halted--in a tie.  

In a postgame cell-burner from somewhere out of state, Christie growled into Van Drew's ear:

"I don't like losers, understand numbnuts? I don't support losers. I don't hire losers and I don't hang out with losers (pause) except for that nerd Wildstein back in high school."

"Make no mistake, sir," Van Drew said. "I've got the answer for the new season, a fireballer named Barr. All we have to do is get rid of somebody so we can put him on the roster." 

Fast, fast forward to this season
. Barr's in the bull pen. The enviros are shaking. With the big game almost ready to start, and most of the Pipelayers still in the locker room checking stock picks on their smartphones, their pitching coach Nancy Wittenberg  strides to the mound. Yes, pitching coach.

Amazingly, it only takes Nancy ONE pitch to save the season.

Some claim it was an inside fastball. Jeff Tittel insists it was a spitter. No matter, Wittenberg delivered. And Barr? Not a single pitch thrown. Who'd have thunk it.

If the foregoing fable makes no sense to you, fear not. Our interview with Carleton Montgomery, the Pinelands Preservation Alliance's Executive Director Carleton should clear it up.

[Actually, Carleton is not as happy today as when the photo at right was taken, but who could blame him.]

Interview with Carleton Montgomery
(Click on the little arrow to launch the audio)


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